DAY 4

There's an undeniably real gap forming between the reality in my head and the reality around me. It's hard not to yearn for the adventures going in my imagination; I still haven't talked to a single person here yet, and that's assuming there's even anyone on the other side of these fucking walls. Don't even care most of the time though, most of my efforts have been spent getting myself to go to sleep. It's getting easier now that I've trained myself so maybe after 15 minutes, it was lights out. Last night, I finally had an entirely new experience; I was nowhere near the city district that my previous memories had been in and thank fucking god,  I managed to avoid the dark void where the voice is. Instead, I touched down in the middle of a desert. The second my eyes opened up, a gust of wind hit them with sand; I cursed and tried to rub the particles out, managing to trip over myself and fall into the valley of a dune. As I hit the ground over and over again on my descent, I remember feeling joy and exhilaration instead of the assumed pain and misery. I remember wishing to the nameless gods above me to never let it stop, but all too soon, I hit the end of my journey, splat...right on my face. I groaned from the force of the ground on my neck and turned over on my back, squinting from the bright light of the sun. Taking my first look at my surroundings, I only saw sand as far as my eyes could see. While I looked around a second time, I dug my feet and hands into the warm, fine sand, letting the scratchy grains lightly graze my skin. Unfortunately, my first assessment had been accurate: there was nothing to be found here. So I didn't move for what seemed like hours. I let my thoughts float in my head, taking my time with each one. Sometimes two bumped into each other, and for that brief moment of impact, my attention crossed between the two so fast that they seemed to blend together. I laughed at the moment and drew myself out before it became too much; I opened my eyes and let the light blind me for a few minutes. Eventually, I got bored of the fooling around and got up to explore my surroundings. I had no fucking idea how hard it was to wade through sand; I'd been to the beach before but the occasional soreness had nothing on the excruciating pain I felt in my calves as I ascended what looked like the runt of the dune litter. The second I reached the top I dropped down to collect myself. When I caught my breath, I let my eyes open to take in the vista. I was overwhelmed with half shock and half awe; there was an alien beauty to the whole place. The gold grains of the sand clashed with the fierce blue of space; together they formed a picture across the back of my mind that will never fade even now. The time for admiration quickly went by, however, and very suddenly, I realized just how fucked I was. It took me a few minutes to even decide in a direction to take, every way seemed so infinite and vast that I basically flipped a four sided coin in my head. Left it was then.

I walked for what seemed like hours, just one foot in front of the other. By then, I was completely disgusted with the beauty that once entranced me. All I wanted was out, my heart was racing from the heat of the sun, and I knew I didn't drop from heart failure, my other muscles would give out pretty soon anyways. In times of frustration, I like to let my hands glide across my face, taking my time to feel the years of wear and tear on my palms. They used to be so smooth but not anymore. Anything but. There's always a tranquil element to this ritual so when my vision came up on the other side of my hands, I almost jumped from what appeared in the next valley. The descent was grain after grain as usual, but as soon as the slope evened out, blades of grass had jettisoned from beneath the surface. And beyond the green grass was a single house. I made my way to the side of it, doing my best to take a peak through the windows. I really didn't know what to expect but the reveal was severely lacking in the climactic section. There was absolutely nothing in the house, not even a chair or fixture on the wall. I tried the window to see if it was locked, and luckily, it was. I did my best not to make any noise although I knew the precaution would turn out to be unnecessary. Still, I couldn't help but feel a sense of dread as I walked through each hallway and each room to find that there really was absolutely nothing inside. I came back to the room where I came in and sat down on the ground, not sure what to do next. I was definitely still in the throws of severe hunger and dehydration, but the fact that I was inside and sitting made the constant gnawing a little more bearable. I think I actually drifted off at some point; I remember jamming my eyelids open, expecting someone to had stumbled upon me during my slumber. Still alone. Even in my dreams, I just had to be alone...And suddenly, I stood up, looking at the walls with a new fascination. Personally, I think it was the feelings of loneliness that helped me make the connection, but by that time I knew better than to think I knew what was going on. Regardless, I was never more sure of anything in my life: I was standing in the same room I would wake up in. Frantically. I searched the house for clues, fucking anything that would shed more light on my situation, but almost like some invisible switch had been activated, I could feel myself getting pulled back into consciousness. It felt like some giant had a grip on my shirt and was mercilessly pulling me to the exit. I cried and pulled and begged to stay where the answers were. But it was in vain...I'm here in the room again. Writing to myself again...waiting for life to begin again.